This post may seem too long but it takes only a few minutes to read:
Without a doubt, gaslighting is a form of abuse – it abuses a person’s trust and vulnerability. Although they do not necessarily have to be present, verbal and physical abuse may occasionally accompany the gaslighting experience. The term ‘gaslighting’ originates from a 1938 play called Gaslight, which became a popular film in 1944. In it, a husband makes numerous attempts to convince his wife that she is making up stories, hearing voices, misremembering events, and losing her mind. It is a very oppressive relationship. The dimming of gas lights represents an important clue in the story, hence the title of the play/film. It is also a powerful metaphor.
Here is a brief verbal exchange by the couple that illustrates the husband’s abuse:
Wife: It's so humiliating for me. That girl laughs at me enough as it is. (this is in response to a verbal threat her husband just made)
Husband: Oh nonsense, my dear. (i.e. immediately dismissing her feelings about the situation) You know perfectly well how you imagine things. (i.e. further adding fuel to the fire by bullying)
As the days go by, items in the house begin to disappear and the husband accuses his wife of stealing them or misplacing them. It soon becomes clear to the audience it is the husband who does that, not the wife, but she doesn’t know. Understandably she becomes defensive, at which point he calmly states that if she is not mad, then she must be mentally ill, and he shames her for it. There are many other examples in the storyline portraying manipulative tactics in this ‘marriage’ (it is actually not even a legal marriage but she doesn’t know that either).
To be sure, seen out of context, some of the husband’s actions can be interpreted as pro-social, relationship-strengthening. For example, he tells her she looks beautiful or asks her out to a live music event. He also uses terms of endearment, thereby seemingly displaying verbal affection. Yes, this is not uncommon for abusers. Gaslighters do have their good days too – they can indeed make pro-social choices at times, which only further confuses the receiver of the abuse.
In the film, these seemingly pro-social choices cover up the husband’s sinister intentions. For instance, when he asks his wife to attend a live music event, he actually masterminds a situation that humiliates her in public and further plummets her already-low self-esteem. Similarly, his terms of endearment (e.g. my dear) are not genuine expressions of verbal affection; they are well-calculated maneuvers to “soften the blow” and/or to cement his superiority over her.
Examples of gaslighting in everyday life:
#1: You are out with your friends and see a cute guy you like. You start thinking of how to go talk to him or invite him to come talk to you. All of a sudden, one of your friends interrupts your train of thought:
“Hey, we are leaving right now, going to [this other place]. Come on! The Uber is outside.”
“But I want to stay and talk to that cute guy over there.”
“That one?! OMG, he’s not even tall. Not worth it, come on!”
#2: You got accepted into a PhD program and you feel excited about it. You can’t wait to start the semester! However, your parent reacts with:
“Honey, I love you, but you can do so much better than that. You can be a real doctor! Why don’t you become a brain surgeon, sweetie?”
#3: You are dating a guy who dismisses your thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Allegedly, he has been working on these bad habits with his therapist (or you and him attend couples therapy jointly). One evening, you are out on date together and you are enjoying your time with him. You finally start to “see the light”. But then he looks at his phone:
“Oh! This is Nick and Joe. Look, they are at [this cool place] just a few blocks away from here. Come on, let’s go! It’s so much better than being here. You’ll love it. Let’s go!”
#4: You are dating a guy who dismisses your thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Allegedly, he has been working on these bad habits with his therapist (or you and him attend couples therapy jointly). One time, you and him are hanging out with your friends. Finally! You are starting to “see the light”. Maybe therapy is helpful, after all. Then he looks at his phone:
“Look! Nick and Joe are at [this cool place] just a few blocks away. Let’s go meet them.”
“But, we are here with my friends. We agreed tonight will be my turn to hang out with my friends. They were excited to meet you.”
“Well, they met me. We’ve already been here for an hour. There’s nothing to do here. It’s boring. Nick and Joe are at [this cool place] that’s so much better. You’re gonna love it! I promise.”
Quick caveat here - the boyfriend in these examples does not have to be yelling or using verbal threats for the gaslighting to occur. The abuse can still happen even if terms of endearment are used (which may become an example of patronizing).
#5: You just got offered a summer job and feel excited that you will save a good chunk of money for your backpacking trip abroad (Europe, South America, Asia, etc.). You can’t wait for the next 6 weeks to go by and you already see yourself hiking the trails after your summer job. However, your parent reacts with:
“Sweetie, this is not a good decision. You need to start thinking like an adult! Why don’t you save this money and invest it or pay for college?”
“But it’s only a couple of thousand dollars. I can take a student loan for that or work on campus during the semester to make up for it. The trip abroad is so much better because...”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah...I’ve heard it already. See, that’s what I’m saying. You’re not listening! You need to listen! You still think like a child. You can’t handle responsibilities like an adult. I can’t believe you are in college already and you still think like this...”
#6: You have a crush on this guy and feel excited that he asked you out. You share your excitement and feelings of love with your friends. They say,
“Ugh, he’s definitely a player! You can see that from a mile away. How can you not see that?! He won’t even remember your name next week. Trust me, you don’t know, you’re blinded.”
At this point, some readers might wonder, “Well, is everyone supposed to agree with me all the time then?! Are people supposed to make every wish of mine come true?!” No, not really. Disagreement, by itself, is not abusive. It is ok to be different. What creates the problems in the aforementioned examples is not the disagreement as much as it is the dismissiveness, manipulation, shaming, guilt-tripping, humiliation, exclusion, and omission of truth.
More specifically, in the examples with the romantic couple, they had an agreement on what to do together. First, the boyfriend sharply changed the agreement to suit his own wishes without consulting with his partner. Secondly, he was dismissive of the feelings and wishes of his partner even after she expressed herself. No matter what, he was going to actualize his agenda. The initial agreement to go hang out with the girlfriend’s friends was probably just a smokescreen or a disingenuous attempt to repair the relationship. His true colors were quickly exposed. Such an approach most likely threw the girlfriend off into a series of self-doubts, passivity, and compliance. In fact, if she had reacted with annoyance or frustration in those scenarios, that would have been a healthier reaction (because it would have symbolized a refusal to accept the abusive circumstance).
Similarly, in the example with the college student and their parent — the parent was dismissive of the wishes and feelings of the child. There was no affirmation or validation of the college student’s viewpoint. “And why would there be – that is not important, right!”
The same explanation holds true for the examples with the friends. Our protagonist developed feelings for another person but was instantly shut down, told they didn’t know what they were feeling, and had to comply with the agenda of others. Whoever requested the Uber ride did not consult with our protagonist; they were ignored and excluded from the decision-making process. If our protagonist was an important part of the group, why were they not reckoned with?!
Therefore, potential conclusions the gaslit person might reach in all of these examples, whether consciously or not, include “My feelings are not important”, “I am not important”, “What I think I feel is not what I actually feel or should feel”, or “I don’t know what is good for me.” If gaslighting experiences happen rarely, the consequences may be less impactful. However, if they become more frequent and cemented, the receiver of the gaslighting tactics will begin to doubt themselves on a regular basis and assume what they think, wish, or feel is not important (or not real). Then they are one step closer to feelings of worthlessness, self-doubt, uncertainty, and insecurity. At that point, because they rarely trust their own inner world, the gaslit person might develop a tendency to look up to the external world regarding what to feel, think, or wish for (e.g. social media) and may fully embrace those external standards at the detriment of their own inner self. If, God forbid, they make a mistake, underperform, or fail (which all humans do anyway), our protagonist might use this mishap as evidence that their partners, caregivers, friends, parents, etc. were indeed right about them. Hence when gaslighting is chronic, the receiver of it begins to abuse themselves even in the absence of external abuse. Unfortunately, even though Gaslight is a fictional literary work, these interpersonal dynamics represent the everyday reality for many, many people in real life.
Lastly, besides feelings, thoughts, and wishes; gaslighting can also lead the person to question their own memories:
- What are you talking about? - says the gaslighting person.
Then you proceed to explain the event as you remember it, and the gaslighting person convinces you that (1) this is definitely not how the event occurred, (2) that you have misinterpreted, and (3) you should feel bad about this. It is possible to deliver the first two points in a healthy way, but it is the addition of the third point that breaks the camel’s back. This may be a feeling of embarrassment, shame, guilt, humiliation, ostracization, self-doubt, or oppression. Depending on the frequency and severity, you may stop trusting your own memory or reasoning skills altogether:
- Maybe my memory is indeed failing me. Maybe my conclusion is indeed unreasonable.
It is unnerving to realize that these interpersonal dynamics are actually quite common. In some families, communities, or cultures; they might even be considered the norm! As such, many gaslighters are not even aware of the toxicity they breed. They may even be good people, but at the end of the day, you don’t want to become someone’s eternal punching bag, no matter who they may be.